So Many Ways
88 more days. My third day without running. I’m on paracethamol, trying to hope my swollen glands give it up very soon. The days without running are frustrating in themselves, the pain besides that only deepens this feeling. And I still don’t have my own key to the apartment. I’m trying hard to get rid of the symbolic meaning I gave to this small, insignificant object. My real home is inside. My real home is inside...
Actually, I have realized that everything that doesn’t let me run pisses me off. Everything that moves away from me suddenly becomes more important. I was always like this. I have to admit that I got accostumed to being alone and being surrounded by the ghosts of those who are far from me, but they graved themselves into my life for eternity. I think it is the natural state of those I care about.
If they come closer to me, I lose them. I feel stupid and awkward, because I cannot handle their very presence. I think sometimes I hurt them when I wish they were coming as they always do when I'm alone. Unfortunately, they never stay long enough to make me accept the lack of their lack.
My seans is about that: your lack is your way of being in my life and I like being with your lack. And I feel uncomfortable if this seans is disturbed by someone or something. Running is a safe place. I can dig as deep as I want into my wonderland. Only my legs can say stop. Writing might be another safe place. But to be honest, now I would prefer to run.
Actually, I have realized that everything that doesn’t let me run pisses me off. Everything that moves away from me suddenly becomes more important. I was always like this. I have to admit that I got accostumed to being alone and being surrounded by the ghosts of those who are far from me, but they graved themselves into my life for eternity. I think it is the natural state of those I care about.
If they come closer to me, I lose them. I feel stupid and awkward, because I cannot handle their very presence. I think sometimes I hurt them when I wish they were coming as they always do when I'm alone. Unfortunately, they never stay long enough to make me accept the lack of their lack.
My seans is about that: your lack is your way of being in my life and I like being with your lack. And I feel uncomfortable if this seans is disturbed by someone or something. Running is a safe place. I can dig as deep as I want into my wonderland. Only my legs can say stop. Writing might be another safe place. But to be honest, now I would prefer to run.
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