MY ONLY PLANET

Sötét van. Kinyitom a szemem, de nem látok semmit. Hiába meresztem tágranyílt pupilláimat egy elképzelt fényforrás irányába, nem sikerül megsejteni egyetlen tárgy körvonalát sem. Minden koromsötét. Egy idegen ágyban fekszem, puha takaró simul a testemhez. Kicsit fázom, ezért csecsemőpózba kucorodom és erősebben szorítom magamhoz a plédet. Gondolkodom, milyen színe lehet. Meleg színre gondolok, talán piros. Vagy narancssárga. Néhány pillanat múlva enyhe borzongás fut végig a hátamon. Helyezkedés közben meztelen karom érinti a fal hideg, fehér színét. Jól esik eltávolodni tőle egy kicsit. Próbálom felmérni a tér mélységeit: egy raktárszoba vagy valakinek a nappalija? Van-e ablaka? Elképzelek egy a feketénél árnyalatnyival világosabb színt, amint az ablakon át az élet jeleként beszűrődik hozzám. Nagymamám házában a roletták rései kerek fénynyalábokat szórtak szét a szobában reggelente. Az ablak előtt álló vastag törzsű diófa büszkén rázta leveleit a friss szélben. A fények a szél ritmusár

I haven’t spent any time behind my desk this week. You might think I’m not doing my job properly. Not as I promised it to myself. It’s true. One of the biggest challenges of my life nowadays is to find the balance between the inside and the outside world. Now that I know how and why it is good to be alone, it’s very tempting to stay inside as much as possible and forget about the rest. Of course, it hardly happens. I have responsibilities and there are people around me who never let me completely alone. Life is about interaction, anyway. When I go outside to meet you, I’m testing the inner peace I created inside of me. I’m taking a chance and I’m getting into interaction with you. I’m watching and listening to you. I’m trying to figure out where you are going. I’m trying to figure out where I want to go. Will you change my way somehow? I think you will. There is a lesson behind every encounter. It’s only question of time to learn what the lesson is about. There are some pictures stuck

They say today is the most depressing day of the year. If it means a day without your smile, I can go with that. I hope you will be fine for the rest of the year. As for me, I keep smiling even if you are in a bad mood. I had spent so many days in agony that I simply cannot afford another one. Not this year, not even on the most depressing day of the year. And I’m working hard to keep it this way. I have become very strict to myself lately. I have become my own warder and my room has transformed into a cell – but the most pleasant kind of. I have no illusions about freedom, I’m not making plans about great escapes. (On the contrary, I feel nervous and tensed when I have to leave this safe place.) I’m a voluntary inmate in my prison where self-discipline is the number one priority. I’m doing my work in absolute silence. There are strict rules I must follow by any means. The strictest rules refer to my weaknesses. If I fail, punishment is meted out. I’m trying to avoid seductive situatio

I’m sitting behind my new white desk in my room. This is a strange feeling. Especially, if I imagine how much time I’m going to spend here this year. Trying to get accostumed to the idea. So I’m writing something. It’s not that I have any important thing to say. Too bad to start the year with a senseless entry, though. My room is very small, or better to say average Amsterdam-sized. Probably this is why I never planned to have any other furniture in it. I had shelves hung on the wall, a tiny bed, a commode and two small sized tables: a round and a squared one. One for my laptop and one just to have another round table, too. The round table left my room at the end. Now if I’m looking around - Only theoretically, of course. When I’m writing, I’m watching the screen. And if I look above because I’m looking for the right word (or just a better one) I see the map of Amsterdam. - So if I’m looking around in my re-arranged room with my precious white desk in it, what I feel is space and comfo