Saves the Day

Back to the weekly regime. Bi-weekly. Any kind of regime. Leaving prints of the days, of the uninteresting, of the nothing happening. Then that’s it. Trying to understand the forces that mute me and tell me everything I say is utterly useless and unnecessary. 

 They say it so loud, it’s scary. With time (What I really mean is with age) I would expect fearlessness would take over. Oh how wrong I am. Doubt mountains everywhere I look. And I realize that if I say nothing, if I pretend life can just happen in one dimension, somewhere between the work laptop and the television, that means they won against me. The muting, doubting, questioning forces could triumphantly conclude that there is nothing to see here. 

 This is my weak attempt to step up and pretend that it matters. Replace “it” with anything you think may be important part of a life and likes to hide away from the inquisitive eyes. It could be me. The one that cannot be muted by fear, or if it got muted for long is now ready to return from its ashes. Nobody has asked me to do this. And I don’t feel obliged. It’s just a nice decorative element I have been missing from my life, and find it incredibly hard to return to. After 15 years of living in Amsterdam the person who writes these lines are very different from the one who started this blog with whatever purpose. Musings, accounts, memories of other kinds.

So just to put things in context, this is happening to me these days: Embracing and enjoying my grey hair that is slowly emerging from the red colored shades. Overcoming fear on the climbing wall over and over. Struggling with my weight, struggling with running longer than 5 km because of my knees. Abandoning my vegan identity for a non-exclusive one (with little struggle). Learning to be more loving to plants. Finding joy in organizing my belongings and create a comfortable living space. Accepting the path life has in store for me - and maybe have a say in it. Returning to my blog. 

Wish me good luck! I need it.