Furilla

I can do it so much better. That’s why I’m here. Again. As a four day old babygirl has to burp, I have words to burp up on the clean white sheet from time to time. Tabula Rasa. I’m washing my face in ice cold water. I breathe in, I breathe out. Nothing comes easy, nothing comes fast.

So I’m back in town again. My return from the flying visit means much more than a New Year’s Eve. I’m dragging my new day’s resolutions with me all the time. I enjoyed being at home. Bit of a delay, bit of a distance. Getting a clear zoom out on my life: what the fuck I’m doing here. While I’m giving an imaginary hug to all of you I left in Hungary, I’m already thinking ahead and cannot wait to buy a simple writing desk (IKEA) in my room and to start to get my work done.

I need distance, I need to be far away. I need fruitful solitude. Don’t feel neglected. I need you to achieve this pleasant state. I wanna know everything about you. I want to know how you feel when you fall in love, and also when you fail at it. I want to know how it is for you being married, having the second child or changing job and home. I want to know if you are just fooling around. I want to know your dreams. I want to know all the movies you saw and all the music you like. I want you to teach me.

Even if you don’t see it on me, I feel honoured being a part of your life. On any levels. So thank you for the drinks, the talks and everything we had together. Those moments will stay with me forever. You must know that without you I’m nothing. And you told me that I can do it so much better. Therefore I’m trying hard to prove it.

Ich möchte schlafen, aber du mußt tanzen.

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