Burn After Reading
I must admit I really like the idea of not writing here anymore. Relieving like anything else that you know you don’t have to do anymore. Just leave everything behind and start something new. As a sort of replacement. The replacements of the ancient prototype, the unattainable idea. Blurred copies of reality. From time to time I like to leave things behind, to make these replacements. What a relief! - I think while I’m already missing the old stuff in a completely strange room full of completely strange people. Fortunately, I never leave the idea and I’ll never leave myself. I’ll always be there to remember… What a relief!
I’m wondering if other people - people who don’t read what I write -, see any changes on me. Probably they don’t. If they cared a bit, they would read what I write. I still have lots of work on this part of my career. Besides, I’m sorry if I don’t read what you write. I’m also a lazy bastard when it’s about that. I told you I’m trying to change. And I’m not talking about the blond highlights I have in my hair. If that shows anything, that shows only my unsettled relationship with money. Highlights to hide, to pretend, to distract my attention from my crappy knee and my body that secretly starts to take up with the idea of a whale shape. I have to give an end to that, too!
I enjoy ruling my universe. I’m powerful, I’m almighty. I can say yes and no and that is going to happen. I can say I don’t want to write anymore, so I don’t write. This is just an example. Of course, I want to write. After my universe threw off balance thanks to an undeteced part of my knee (Meniscus or ligament? That is the question), I have to find some kind of compensation. Writing is the only thing I can do with the same enthusiasm as running. When I write, I also run a bit, at least I’m closer to that state of mind. This is my universe. Yours probably works in another way. Good luck with balancing!
After all, I haven’t decided about the end of this blog yet. I decided about other things, though. Actually, in my ’new’ life I’m constantly bringing decisions. Almost like playing chess, but I don’t think about winning. I just want to enjoy taking the next step and play as long as possible. Even if I look spontaneous, I’m spontaneous with consciousness. When I get crazy, my mind will take notes about that, too. Big change, my friends!
What does my consciousness say? It tells me to do the things that warm up my heart and tells me to swim in those substances as long as possible. It tells me to think a lot about what I really want, to choose those places, people and colours that make me feel good and cozy. It tells me to fill the whole apartment with balloons (I don’t care that someone already found that out, I must know how it feels!), to spend time on things that make me go ahead on my way (especially in cultural and intellectual aspects. Gosh, I miss being intellectually challenged more than physically metaphored here in Amsterdam. Trust me, I miss that, too. What a shame!)
My consciousness also tells me to take good care of my crappy knee, because I’m going to need them when surfing on huge waves somewhere in California. And it tells me to read, to read as much as possible. To read, for example, these sentences by Charles Bukowski: „Writing is when I fly, writing is when I start fires. Writing is when I take death out of my left pocket, throw him against the wall and catch him as he bounces back.” This entry was inspired by these sentences I read and by the waves I’m going to ride soon.
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