MY ONLY PLANET

Az Amszterdamból Hilversumba közlekedő vonaton ülök. Az elsuhanó tájba feledkezem, élvezem, ahogy a vonat kettéhasítja a teret. Az ablakban visszatükröződő ismeretlen arcok nem vesznek tudomást erről a folyamatos pillanatról. Éveken keresztül utaztam hasonló távolságon nap, mint nap, most mégis különleges kalandnak élem meg ilyen messzire magam mögött hagyni szeretett városomat. Vajon hova tűnt belőlem az utazás iránti rajongás? És mivé lett bennem az a sokáig kísértő gondolat, hogy minél távolabb megyek, annál jobb helyre kerülök? Ha nincs elvágyódás, akkor jó helyen vagyok – próbálok elfogadható magyarázatot találni a megismerés szándékának eme nagyfokú hiányára. Talán maga a tény, hogy külföldön élek - ami számomra még mindig olyan, mintha egy nagy utazáson lennék - szorítja el bennem a kíváncsiságot más tájak felé. Nem jártam sok helyen, mióta itt élek. A leghosszabb belső utazásom mégis itt zajlott, és zajlik folyamatosan. Igazad van abban, hogy az ember, ha külföldön él egy olyan...

Where did the words disappear? I’m sitting on my bed watching the blue sky through the window. The randomly shaped white clouds seem motionless. Sometimes when I look up, planes or seagulls are crossing the one meter wide glass. The tiny stains of dry raindrops become invisible then. I see you in the shop with the light blue shopping basket in your hand. You are trying to choose some precooked meal from the counter. I’m following you pretending I want the same kind. The truth is that I’m not hungry anymore. After that, you are going to pick up some fresh juice. I’m not familiar with the set-up of the shop yet, so I’m trying to memorize the place for the juices. I’m leaving you behind. When I turn back, I see you at the cash register looking for your bonus card nervously. You received it from your grandmother and now you are afraid you have lost it. I’m at the cash machine. You show up on your blue bike and stop behind me. You don’t know who I am, but I recognize you in a second. I’m tu...

A beautiful day starts with a letter, it takes the shape of a word, then of a sentence. Unfinished one. The words are following each other as freshly washed clothes are hanging accidentally on the rope while light breeze is playing with them. Socks with different colours, jeans, jumpers and white shirts. A rose is a rose is a rose is a Rosebud On a beautiful day nothing particular happens. The heavy coat stays in the gardrobe, the bag gets filled with drinks and snacks from Albert Heijn, the bell of the bike rings happily on the way to the park. The blanket is laid on humid grass. Sunglasses, books (one book with a hand-drawn star), shoes taken off. Icecream is melting on the spoon which is pitched into the ground. Easy laughters. A snapshot with the growing leaves of the trees in the background. Standstill. Sunset. The first clouds. Raindrop. Thunderstorm. Motion picture. Soundtrack. Tomorrow. Growing leaves. Rosebud

I’m losing another day from life while I keep humming the words of a poem. You know it’s weird, my friend. You are telling me how much you hated poetry, then you give me this book by Pessoa: A Little Larger Than the Entire Universe. I already love the title. It says everything I want to hear. I just searched for the first poem I read when I opened the book somewhere in the middle. Ricardo Reis. (I think he’ll be my favourite one among the three persons.) I was thinking maybe it’s you who should have read this book first… I love what I see because one day I’ll stop seeing it. I also Love it because it is. In this calm moment when I feel myself By loving more than by being, I love all existence and myself. No better thing could the primitive gods Give me, were they to return - They, who also know nothing. I’m just writing you this because I couldn’t recall it by heart. Otherwise, I must say I can recall the whole conversation we had. Finally, I could tell to someone what role my writings...

After taking long walks, we finally entered a bar. The day was conceivingly sunny. As the night fell, the urge to find a warm place reminded us of a cold, long and lonely winter. Luckily, the heating was turned on inside. The bar was getting busy, but not fully packed yet. We found a free table close to the door. One of us brought the beers. The cold touch of the glass was giving me shivers. We were watching people who entered and left the place. Kurt Cobain, Henry Rollins, Bon Jovi also payed a visit to the bar that night. Most of the time the door was ajar. Only a few of those who entered had the perfect swing to close the door. It was not about power, more about unknown, high-level adjustment to the object, I guess. ’They say people eat the way they make love. Do you think it is the same with closing a disfunctional door properly?’ - I asked. Both of you were laughing and I put on my coat. I was taking a sip from my second glass of beer when he entered. The door closed completely. S...

Reménytelen? - kérdezem. Talán még nem késő – válaszolod. Hosszú fehér folyosón sietünk végig, fehér köpenyeink madárszárnyként csapdosnak mögöttünk. Vagy angyalszárnyként. Belépünk egy helyiségbe. Alaposan megmossuk a kezünket és kesztyűt húzunk. Belépünk egy második ajtón. Az asztalon egy test fekszik. Az arcon maszk van, amelyen keresztül levegő jut a szervezetbe. A mellkas alig emelkedik, a szív ritmusát egyedül a fekvő test mellett elhelyezett gép jelzi. Az élet egyetlen jele. Egymás mellett állunk. A szikére nézel, én a kezembe megfogom. A szikével a test felé közelítek. Mintha vajba mártanám a kést, olyan simán hasítja fel szikém a bőrt. Elégedetten bólogatsz. Néhány pillanat múlva kiserken a vér a bőr alól. A belső szervek kíváncsian tekingetnek kifelé a meghasadt résen keresztül. Megtalálom a beteg részt. Óvatosan eltávolítom, de amikor megpróbálom elvágni, véletlenül elvágom a vénát. A fehér falakat beteríti a kifröccsenő vér. Megremeg a kezem. Rám nézel. Bűnösnek érzem magam...

'Come in' he told me, after he opened the door with a powerful move. I stood up from my chair and walked through the door. I was full of excitement and curiousity. I didn’t exactly know what was going to happen, but for some reasons I had the firm belief that nothing can go wrong this time. He closed the door behind me. Now we are only the two of us in a small room, striked me the thought while I hung my coat. I felt his gaze on my back. I turned and sat on the chair in front of him. ’I know why you are here’ he said. I looked him in the eyes from where this excessive confidence surged. How different our situation is I thought. For you this is a daily routine, for me it’s the first time. ’I know why you are here’, he repeated, ’so please just follow what I’m saying and everything will be fine.’ I nodded. ’First, I want you to take off your boots.’ I unzipped my boots and stepped out of them. ’And your stockings as well’ he added with some delay. ’I’m sorry for the stockings. Th...