Black Summer

Such a heavy duty to start this. Days had long passed when I felt brave and naive enough to document anything from my life. I’m jealous of this old self of mine, jealous of the person I used to be. So much shit has happened since and more days are passing quietly, unaware, unnoticed, unmentioned. To formulate anything that makes sense these days is hard. After all the dreams, all the innocence gone, it’s hard to say what is left. It’s hard to say what keeps me moving. But I still am. Maybe I feel responsible to live a life for the two us, the life you won’t get to experience. Maybe it is closer to the truth that any narrative that helps me to take the next step, that helps me to get out of bed in the morning is tightly embraced. There may be more of these fabricated explanations than just one, and these stories in my mind are changing. Trying to validate the unlikely, the impossible. Up until today, I have moments when I have to remind myself that such a terrible event did happen and it happened to me. Not sure how to explain it better. Imagine that you wake up from a bad dream: what you thought as truth, all of a sudden evaporates. The opposite of this may be what I feel at times. That life feels alright, then the painful truth shows its face at once and that life that felt alright in the past minute turns black, the color of liveliness vanishes. Despite all the vivid memories, despite the physical and emotional imprints of once carrying you inside of me, I do get tricked sometimes. I don’t know how I can survive this, how other people with shattered dreams, broken lives, terrible disappointments can survive. I guess it is possible. Not sure yet what grief wants to teach me. I don’t feel wiser, I don’t feel forgiven, I don’t feel I am a better person. I have more bitterness, more sorrow, more I don’t knows than ever in my life. I carry a heavy weight in my heart and I don’t think it will ever get any lighter. Circumstances may change but I don’t think the weight itself will. Maybe writing about it helps. Another narrative I try to embrace tightly but hesitantly. I cannot know for sure.