Back to the weekly regime. Bi-weekly. Any kind of regime. Leaving prints of the days, of the uninteresting, of the nothing happening. Then that’s it. Trying to understand the forces that mute me and tell me everything I say is utterly useless and unnecessary. They say it so loud, it’s scary. With time (What I really mean is with age) I would expect fearlessness would take over. Oh how wrong I am. Doubt mountains everywhere I look. And I realize that if I say nothing, if I pretend life can just happen in one dimension, somewhere between the work laptop and the television, that means they won against me. The muting, doubting, questioning forces could triumphantly conclude that there is nothing to see here. This is my weak attempt to step up and pretend that it matters. Replace “it” with anything you think may be important part of a life and likes to hide away from the inquisitive eyes. It could be me. The one that cannot be muted by fear, or if it got muted for lon...
This is your competition. You have to accomplish it alone. I cannot do it for you. To run 42 kilometres at a stretch seems to be an impossible challenge. Especially because you have not prepared for it... You just found yourself among the other runners. First you believed this was a fast sprint, then you thought maximum three more kilometres are waiting for you. After you lost your sense of time and distance, you realized that this is the longest and the most important competition of your life. You are running. The feeling that you will not be able to finish it attacks you from time to time. You are playing with the idea of giving it up while your legs are automatically taking you closer to the end. The farther you get, the more times and the longer you are tasting the extasy of the sweet, moment-lasting surrender. You know very well that this competition is not about the thoughness of body. This game is played in your head, where faith and persistence are gambling. You do not have th...
így kezdem újra mindig készületlen előre hajtogatott ívek mentén egyensúlyozva hosszú rúd a kezemben mi lenne ha leesne és a mélybe zuhannék én is? talán már zuhanok, csak nem érzem mert a házak teteje és maguk a házak is velem csúsznak az ablakok lefelé a végtelenbe ajtókilincsen csüngő kéz az enyém is lehetne a teljes ködből, a felhőkből kinyúló kéz mely felemel, visszatart, leejt és elfelejt bizonyosság csak a zűrzavar rendszertelenségbe oltott képzelet mindennap új, mindennap más csak fűtsön, adjon meleget forraljon teát, miközben legyek köröznek, üres lámpaburák kihűlt vacsorám felett utolsónak mondhatnák de ki tudja mi lesz az utolsó után egy utolsó utáni végső cselekedet mely elvezet majd megoszt egy új ismeretlenben
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