MY ONLY PLANET

Something happened. Something extraordinary happened to me last week. I met someone. I met a very special person. I have known this person for a long time. Sometimes it gives me the impression that we have known each other since I was born. We met by accident at the places both of us usually went as part of our daily routines like supermarkets, bookshops, public transport, or we just came across in the street. I remember once we met in a bar, I was with another friend having a drink after work. You looked into my eyes before you left without a word. Then we didn’t see each other for a long time. We never arranged anything to meet. Somehow we had this unspoken agreement not to do it. We knew very well that it might be any second the other one shows up. Besides, there was not much happening when our paths crossed, we didn’t make great impact on each other’s lives. I didn’t know how to talk about my feelings, my dreams because I didn’t care. I didn’t care until the last time. Now I’m sitt...

I’m trying to find words to tell you what I’m getting through. Is it too dangerous to say I’m losing my sense of reality? Do you think I ever had that? The world around me seems to be as elusive as the past memories of a shipwrecked living on a desert island for months. Everything I was completely sure about before, has a question mark at the end now. It gives me the impression of being nowhere and everywhere at the same time, that everything has importance and nothing is important at all. It’s not that I don’t care, I just don’t know how to care about anything anymore. This is a dangerous situation, I feel this can have very wrong endings. But I know that I already passed those very wrong endings. I’m possessing the freedom to recalculate the route, to be over the speed limit, whatsoever. I hardly think about the consequences, because I never know anymore when I’m doing the right thing. I’m just trying to have some fun. Every day I wake up as a 16 year old teenager girl and I’m going ...

This morning I woke up and started to think about how it started, how my first weeks were in Amsterdam after I arrived here in February. I remember I didn’t visit many places in the beginning, and I still miss many of them. As I’m not a tourist in Amsterdam and I know I’m going to spend a lot of time in this city, I don’t force to see all the places, which are usually full of tourists. I’m wondering whether this is the right thing to do. You keep telling yourself you have so much time, and you could go any time, but actually you’ll never go. Those who feel they have options are rich. Because of such choices I missed the Louvre and d’Orly in Paris, and I’m still misssing Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam. I want to believe that I still have lots of time to change this situation. You might feel it, you might not, but lately I’m having a pretty hard time. I just don’t feel I have those options that make people feel rich anymore. Or it’s hard to accept the options life is offering me. And yes ...

Nagy lelkiismeretfurdalásom oka, hogy gondolatban legalább négy blogbejegyzéssel vagyok adósa az univerzumnak és helyettük ez a váratlanul felbukó múltkori bejegyzés még véletlenül sincs kapcsolatban az itt töltött”szürke” hétköznapok valóságával. Mértékeit tekintve legalábbis. Nem tartom igazságosnak, hogy a jó dolgokat megtartom magamnak, amiket meg nem annyira szeretek, azokat rázúdítom azokra, akik szeretnek. Utólag is elnézést azoktól, akik túl komolyan veszik az ilyesfajta nyílt kirohanásaimat - hisz ezek csak szavak! Másfelől meg tessék, lássék, fogja fel mindenki, a kerítés még itt sincs kolbászból és bizony nekem is vannak nehéz napjaim Ha valaki eddig nem gondolta volna. (... Különösen nehéz napjaim a futás boldogsága nélkül). És a legfontosabb: a kommunikáció pozitív dolog – mégha a legszörnyűbb dologról is van szó. De nem ismétlem magam, (csak ismételni tudok)… Szóval négy blog, de megpróbálom most egybe sűríteni – vagy legalább kettőbe: lelkiismeretem egy angol verziót is ...

It’s been long weeks since I felt I should say something. I think I should be quiet. Usually I’m quiet. People usually underestimate me because I’m quiet. That happens so many times. And I never want to be louder. Though, I feel so often the urge to shout… The world is passing me by. I should be quiet. So I’m quiet. Actually, this is how I’m made. There are things you don’t wanna change. Even if you know that this only thing changed might bring hundred ones closer to you, you don’t want them, because then it wouldn’t be you… No worries. Even if I leave my home during the heaviest rain, I’m enjoying every drop of it. I have been waiting for it for such a long time... I enjoy the world so much, it’s hard to tell. And you have to know that the rain is the last thing that bothers me. I always have a place to go… I’m a lucky one. But still I feel paralyzed. I’m looking at you. I’m looking at you and I have nowhere to go. It took me long days to end up here, this virtual nowhere. You don’t k...